Year 2015

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I’ve never really gotten the chance to thank 2014 for all the life lessons and experience that it has taught me. So, I’m just going to do a quick one over here.

Thank you to those who are no longer part of my life right now in 2015. I tried to make things well between us, yet none of you responded. Therefore, I shall let it be and move on. You guys will never be forgotten. Thank you for making to the person I am today and teaching me to be an even better person than I was before. I appreciate your presence in my life and I will never regret knowing any of you.

To those who still remains, well, I couldn’t be more thankful for going through another year with me. No words can ever describe how blessed I feel to have each and everyone of you in my life. So here’s to all my friends, to more years of friendship!

I shall now announce that I am ready to take on 2015. I am pretty sure it will be an interesting year ahead and let’s see what I will be thankful for when I post ‘Year 2016’.

Goals

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What could be a better way, to list down or describe my goals that I want, than writing it down somewhere? This would be the best place as I will usually tend to read back on my previous posts or I could have Nas Nasyrah to remind me on my goals whenever I go off track 😉

I’m currently reading this book ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne. Its really truly inspiring and it keeps me going. I shall practice and input it into my daily life from now onwards. All I got to do is ‘Ask, Believe and Receive’. After which, visualise and have the feeling of gratitude for the things I already have.

When I was 17, during my ITE days, there’s this life skills elective module that we all have to go through and I’m an thankful that we had to go through it. One of the task we were told to do was to list our 5 and 10years goals. Back then, well, we were not aware of the outside world. So what exactly did I write down on the piece of paper?

1st: To get a driving license by the age of 25.

2nd: To get a degree certificate by the age of 30.

Those who know me, very much know that I have already achieved my first goals. By the age of 19, I was already driving around with my dad’s car. And I am thankful to my dad for sponsoring my driving lessons.

As for my 2nd goals, I will get there. Taking the first step to apply for my Degree at Kaplan was an achievement to me. Though the tuition fee is a huge sum of money, I will get through with the payments and will graduate by January 2017. That will mean that I will be 26 years old. If everything goes well, Insya’allah, I will graduate with a Degree.

So my goals shouldn’t just end there right? 7 years later, I should continue writing my goals. It may not be as exact to when I want it to be but it will be quite detailed.

My goals/dreams/what I want would be:

1. I want to be able to save up to send my parents perform Haj. Be it whether I contribute 20%, 75% or 100%, I would want my money to be part of their Haj’s journey.

2. I want to get a job that I will find most benefiting for me, the community and others. I would want to be in the education sector because there’s no greater value of a career than to give back to the society.

3. I want to find a partner and be in a relationship with one who is loyal/faithful, kind hearted, independent, selfless, family oriented, cat person, stable, loving, respectful, have their own personal goals, and most importantly, loving me the way I am and inspire me to become a better person.

4. I want to travel the world to explore and experience life outside of Singapore. Be it to travel with my family, best friend, friends or my partner.

5. I want to be able to own a Mini Cooper someday. That will be my dream car.

6. I want to be financially stable and able to get a regular pay cheques and pay my bills on time. Also to support myself and my family.

7. I want to be have a house that is so called designed by me like all the concepts and themes, furnitures etc. It will have a modern concept with bright colours and wall designs be it painted by me or hiring someone to do it for me. To have a cosy spot for me to do my art stuff and a room with cinema viewing type. A house which I call home and welcome any one of my friends and family to stay over.

8. I want to be the best version of myself. One that believe she is a good, kind hearted, loving, caring, passionate, independent, successful in both career and family, a filial daughter/friend/sister/wife/partner.

9. I want to be happy. To be grateful for all the things that I have and work towards more happiness and more meaningful life.

10. I want to achieve all that I have listed down from point 1-9 and be happy that I have achieve #10.

Thank you for being you

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I came across an article on Facebook regarding how we forget to thank our best friends for few reasons… I just thought I would start by doing my own here.

Aidah

Thank you for being my best friend for 11 years. I know people always say its not about the quantity but the quality but to me, it matters even more that I got both. For 11 years, we went through different phase of life, birthdays, Hari Raya and many more celebration together. We went through our first break ups, our first failure and our ups and downs in life. With that, I could never be more thankful to have you in my life. You are the logical part that keeps me sane. You are my wake up call and the one who will slap right through me to see the reality. Though at times it does hurt me, but I am thankful for your honesty. You don’t usually give me advice because you will get me to think of my own advice for myself. Though its annoying at times, but I still love you for being right. You don’t pester me when I told you I don’t want to talk about it because you know that I will eventually come around. Thank you for being my best friend.

Nas Nasyrah

I’ve known you since 2009 and we became close ever since. We were classmates, course mate, EXCOs and P.I.C (Partners in Crime). You entertain my nonsense and my silly antics. You endured my sarcasm and my pranks. Most of the time you were my mastermind for it. We had our differences back then and that made us both not talk to each other for a period of time. It was painful at that point of time and I am thankful we manage to pull through it. A bit like Aidah, you are my logical person. Most of the time, you reminded me to be strong and you know I can be because you’ve seen me struggle during our school period and even after that. When I cry, you won’t know how to console me but instead you will be firm and tell me to stop crying and suck it up. Even so, I still love you and thankful to have you as my close friends.

Pamela

You came into my life as my junior and never did I ever thought we could be close friends after that. We became close at that point where we both felt and went through the same thing in our hearts. I was amazed by how mature and strong you have become and I always admire that about you. Unlike Nas, you know how to console and what to say when I cry. You know that all I needed was just to be hug and let me cool down myself. I appreciate your silence and not say anything when I cry. You never judged me for crying like a baby, but instead you tell me to let it all out. Though we have different beliefs, you will remind me that God will have a better plan and to have faith in Him. I’m thankful for your attentive ears and gave me time to say what I truly feel, because you know it will take me some time to do so. Both you and Nas has the patient to wait.

Hidayah

I have always respected you as my senior, as an elder sister and as a close friend. You are protective of your loved ones and will not hold back to defend them if they are being hurt or bullied. Though you nag a lot like a makcik, I still appreciate it because I know that you care. You think differently from the others and sometimes, it helps me to see at a different perspective. Thank you for answering all my medical questions and being my personal ‘doctor’ most of the time. Even though I get nag after that for not taking care of my health, I know you have my best interest at heart. Thank you for being a caring missy and makcik to the 3 of us.

Natalie

I came along to your life and became close when you were at your lowest point. I’ve seen how much stronger you’ve become ever since and I am proud of the person you are now. The way you care for the people close to you is crazy but sweet. Thank you for leaving things behind to come down and be there for me. I appreciate you travelling all the way to the east even though you kept saying its far. You came down anyway. I’ve always admire how you continue being yourself despite the fact that people judge you for who you are. You took care of me and never complain about it. Even when you do, I know you’re just being annoying. I’m sorry for being a pain in your ass and disturb you all the time. Or maybe I’m not sorry at all because you do the same to me. Even so, I’m thankful to have you in my life and stuck with me till now. 

Fiza

Our history and how we became close was complicated and hilarious at the same time. We met through your best friend and things turn out that both of us closer than you were with her. We went through tough times together. You’ve seen me at my worst and stayed when I’m at my best. Though we never contact each other all the time, I know you still exist in my life and still my friend. You are also one who will protect the ones close to you. That’s your minah side, I always say. I was touched when you told me you still keep a lookout for me on social media. Thank you for coming to my life and making a difference in my life

That’s all I have for now. Though I may not be lucky to find love easily, I am thankful to be able to have close friends around me that loved me for who I am. Thank you ladies for being a huge part of my life. Love you all! 

8 Things An Introvert Will Always Do If They Really, Really Like You

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8 Things An Introvert Will Always Do If They Really, Really Like You

Thought Catalog

1. Make an effort to do social things.

If an introvert is agreeing to go out and do lots of social stuff multiple times a week — especially if they’re doing it because there is a chance that they’re going to run into you — that definitely means they’re into you. Going out to big events on the off chance of seeing your crush, for an introvert, is like walking over a bed of hot coals to get to a cash prize.

2. Let you into their quiet space.

Rainy Sunday mornings are the introvert’s territory. Everyone is inside, curled up, with a cup of tea and a good book and/or their laptop open. And normally, the most amazing part of that for them is the fact that they get to do it totally, completely alone. But if they let you into this space, and you can sit across from…

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Changes..

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“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” -Maria Robinson

C.H.A.N.G.E

Good or Bad, you decide.

There has been few changes in my life, be it about me or the people around me. Within a short period of time, a lot has changed. At times I blame it on myself, for not being able to hold things together or not being able to fix the problem. On the other hand, I know this is God’s plan of testing and bringing us to a better life.

Have you ever encounter the pain of seeing people around you going through pain, failing in friendship/relationship, problems with loved ones/friends, digging their own grave, etc. All you can possibly do is to sit there and watch, to feel helpless because its beyond your control. I personally do not feel good about it. I am the type of person who will be affected by how people around me are feeling.

To some, you may think I may have changed to someone worst. That is probably because I am building up walls, to avoid being hurt. I am here to see who is patient enough to actually gain my trust in them. This is not a different me. This was who I was, back then, before entering Poly.

To those who have been with me for the past 3 months, have definitely seen my countless break downs, anger, pain and sadness.Some are even proud of what I’m able to accomplish today, which is to smile and laugh. Pain has definitely change me, to know when to stop being nice and not to be fooled around.I am thankful to be able to have these people around me, for making this possible, for believing in me and countless hugs and advice.

On the outside, you may wonder how am I able to smile and laugh after what happened? Don’t I give a damn about it? Am I not guilty of the mistakes I’ve personally caused? That’s when you are wrong.

“Behind every smiles lies an untold stories” – This is the part that is not being telecast. The heart ache of answering and covering up for you, of people asking where you were and what happened. The pain of wanting to move on but always being smacked back by memories. The part of wanting to forgive but the apology doesn’t seem sincere.

T.I.M.E – It will heal all wounds. I do pray for us all to reunite with a stronger bond, one day. It might not be now or in a few months time. I believe, one day, the day will come. 

To Cassandra: You may or may not wonder why I didn’t even write for you a farewell wish. Simple. Words can never describe the things I want to say. Staring at a blank screen for 30-60mins and words are unable to speak whatever I’m feeling. Another method was for me to show it through actions. I finish up a compilation of messages from your friends, put up a nice frame for you and buying for you your 21st Birthday present.Apart from that, attending your farewell dinner and sending you off at the airport. I may put up a strong upfront, but at the back of my mind.. I have so much things that I wish I could say it to you but wouldn’t. I know you’re not ready to even do anything about this friendship. I will not wait, but if one day, that day comes, I will accept you with open arms. I am able to use all your flaws to hate you, but I decided not to. ‘5% fate and 95% of what is going on is controlled by you.’ 

“A bad choice/decision, doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s what you do after you’ve made that bad choice, determines what kind of a person you are”

Goodnight.

I am just,a normal human being..

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“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” ― George Bernard Shaw

I am a human being. A normal human being. I’m no God. I’m no where near  compared to God. Thus, I make mistakes.

Just imagine a balloon. The more air or water you pump it in, the bigger it grows and you know for sure it will snap at one point of time. When the balloon snap, you will think that its not a good one. How about trying to see how much the balloon manage to withstand the air or water instead of when it snap?

My life is just that way. Just because one day I couldn’t take it and snap, you judge. How about the tears I’ve cried at night, the heart breaking pain I carry with me all day,everyday? How about the memories that came back when I’m at my happiest moment? How about the things I need to hold it together and not let it all fall apart?

You have no idea.

Friends asked me to keep it together and remain strong. Because that’s how I potrayed to them back then. I had that ‘Leader’ figure in their eyes. People look up to me. But at times,God, its tiring. Having to answer people like ‘Where’s ____? ‘ or ‘What happen between both of you?’. When people see me, they see us. I hate that fact. I’m ME. I’m Siti Nur Baidura.

I would be the bad person if I told them the things that is going on. But I didn’t. I cover up your ass and say ‘You’re busy or can’t make it’. People ask about your new found person. Instead of breaking down cause it hurts so much to be reminded of that, I graciously smile and say ‘I don’t know’.

To the both of you, GOSH! Use your common sense. People have eyes and they are not stupid. Be cautious of what you post and the captions you wrote. Also, for the fact that caption you wrote has been used before to your ex, that made it more obvious.

Also, stop blocking people from the social media. Because we are in a big group and somehow, I will still be able to see or people will still tell me. How many more are you going to block? Do me a favour and just vanish from the social media. Both Facebook or Twitter. And stop tweeting emo tweets. You are the one causing people to keep on wondering and asking.

You confidently say back then you will face the music/consequences. What happen to those words of yours? Actions speak louder than words. To all those who got affected by this, I sincerely apologize for all this. I’m sorry that it can’t be like how it used to be. People come and people go. Only those who stayed will last forever.

I am just thankful to those who stick with me and give me their unconditional support and love. Without them in my life, I wouldn’t be able to write this and also thank you guys here.

To the other party who got hurt badly as well, hang in there. Stormy weather won’t last forever, there will be rainbow at the end of the road. We will always be there for you. ❤

Lastly, to that person who never fail to put a smile on my face or make me laugh to my phone because of your cute and funny messages, THANK YOU!

I love these people so much! ❤

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Almost there

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“Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall”

– A Thousand Years (Christina Perri)

4 hours of sleep. That was what I had to last me till now. I’m actually amazed by it. As usual, even if its on the weekend, I will still get up early. Body clock.

I am proud to say that I did the white coating all by myself today. Seeing the room all white made me feel that, I’ve erased whatever is left in the past. The room seem brighter and refreshing. Hopefully that’s how my future will be.

After lunch break, I couldn’t stand it going up and down the stairs to paint the top part. I’ve decided to get help. None other than my father. You can say that its ‘Father-Daughter’ bonding session.

The room is now half white and half coloured. I know I’ve been keeping from my friends, especially Aidah about the colour. Its lively lavender.

Painting the colour on my walls, feels like I’m adding colours to my life. It feels good. Though its only halfway done, I know I will finish it soon. Just like the pain and misery I felt for the past few weeks. I know I can do this, I believe I can.

Someone put up this song on FB and it gave me strength to move forward. The song ‘When you believe’ – soundtrack from Prince of Egypt. There can be miracle, when you believe.

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Goodnight.