Changes..

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“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” -Maria Robinson

C.H.A.N.G.E

Good or Bad, you decide.

There has been few changes in my life, be it about me or the people around me. Within a short period of time, a lot has changed. At times I blame it on myself, for not being able to hold things together or not being able to fix the problem. On the other hand, I know this is God’s plan of testing and bringing us to a better life.

Have you ever encounter the pain of seeing people around you going through pain, failing in friendship/relationship, problems with loved ones/friends, digging their own grave, etc. All you can possibly do is to sit there and watch, to feel helpless because its beyond your control. I personally do not feel good about it. I am the type of person who will be affected by how people around me are feeling.

To some, you may think I may have changed to someone worst. That is probably because I am building up walls, to avoid being hurt. I am here to see who is patient enough to actually gain my trust in them. This is not a different me. This was who I was, back then, before entering Poly.

To those who have been with me for the past 3 months, have definitely seen my countless break downs, anger, pain and sadness.Some are even proud of what I’m able to accomplish today, which is to smile and laugh. Pain has definitely change me, to know when to stop being nice and not to be fooled around.I am thankful to be able to have these people around me, for making this possible, for believing in me and countless hugs and advice.

On the outside, you may wonder how am I able to smile and laugh after what happened? Don’t I give a damn about it? Am I not guilty of the mistakes I’ve personally caused? That’s when you are wrong.

“Behind every smiles lies an untold stories” – This is the part that is not being telecast. The heart ache of answering and covering up for you, of people asking where you were and what happened. The pain of wanting to move on but always being smacked back by memories. The part of wanting to forgive but the apology doesn’t seem sincere.

T.I.M.E – It will heal all wounds. I do pray for us all to reunite with a stronger bond, one day. It might not be now or in a few months time. I believe, one day, the day will come. 

To Cassandra: You may or may not wonder why I didn’t even write for you a farewell wish. Simple. Words can never describe the things I want to say. Staring at a blank screen for 30-60mins and words are unable to speak whatever I’m feeling. Another method was for me to show it through actions. I finish up a compilation of messages from your friends, put up a nice frame for you and buying for you your 21st Birthday present.Apart from that, attending your farewell dinner and sending you off at the airport. I may put up a strong upfront, but at the back of my mind.. I have so much things that I wish I could say it to you but wouldn’t. I know you’re not ready to even do anything about this friendship. I will not wait, but if one day, that day comes, I will accept you with open arms. I am able to use all your flaws to hate you, but I decided not to. ‘5% fate and 95% of what is going on is controlled by you.’ 

“A bad choice/decision, doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s what you do after you’ve made that bad choice, determines what kind of a person you are”

Goodnight.

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